/misˈkarij/ (noun)

I read today that a glass can be shattered if the right frequency is attained. It will shatter at double that frequency, or triple, and so on. There is a frequency, a certain pitch, that will shatter a glass. Shattered. Broken. Unable to be put back to the way it was before.
I miscarried this past week. I am miscarrying. I was pregnant last week. I am not pregnant now...almost. There was a shattering, a perfect frequency of events that broke my pregnancy, my perfect dream, beyond rebuilding.
I spoke with my midwife tonight. She walked with me into hope, then gently led me back out into what we both knew to be truth. There was no putting the pieces back together.
I walked into the hospital last week with a few complications, but I walked in as the mom of 4 children, pregnant with her fifth. I had an ultrasound. A five week, six day fetus. Shouldn't I be further along? A heartbeat of 115. Shouldn't it be higher? A viable pregnancy, I was told. No sign of miscarriage. They gave me a due date, the sign of hope not given to those who are miscarrying. The date: February 20, 2014.
I don't remember when I shifted from peacefully pregnant to the reality that I was miscarrying. Losing my child. I can't remember. It wasn't simply a moment. It was simply something I walked into moment by moment, symptom by symptom, until the hope I held onto was no longer a comforting protection but a mirage needing to be discarded.
I was in the hospital again this afternoon for blood work that would further confirm my loss. I looked at the gift shop display window, and suddenly remembered standing here looking in this window last week...when I still believed that the baby I carried would live...and I wondered how many of these moments I would have. Like reading back through my journal, reading the joy, the certainty of purpose in this child. And wondering where all this joy, this purpose, this expectation was supposed to go.
Sometimes, when I can't yet sing, I simply have to allow others to sing the song that I know to be true...

"Even If" by Kutless
Sometimes all we have to hold on to
Is what we know is true of who You are
So when the heartache hits like a hurricane
That could never change who You are
And we trust in who You are

Even if the healing doesn’t come
And life falls apart
And dreams are still undone
You are God You are good
Forever faithful One
Even if the healing
Even if the healing doesn’t come

Lord we know Your ways are not our ways
So we set our faith in who You are
Even though You reign high above us
You tenderly love us
We know Your heart
And we rest in who You are

Even if the healing doesn’t come
And life falls apart
And dreams are still undone
You are God You are good
Forever faithful One
Even if the healing
Even if the healing doesn’t come

You’re still the Great and Mighty One
We trust You always
You’re working all things for our good
We’ll sing your praise

Even if the healing doesn’t come
And life falls apart
And dreams are still undone
You are God You are good
Forever faithful One
Even if the healing
Even if the healing doesn’t come

You are God and we will bless You
As the Good and Faithful One
You are God and we will bless You
Even if the healing doesn’t come
Even if the healing doesn’t come